[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
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Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
No Google it does not
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.