My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
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“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”