“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
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I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Kids, do not try this at home!
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Oh thanks BBC.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.