Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
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I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*