the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
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[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.