Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
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WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
Otters see a butterfly.