“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
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Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.