i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
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My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
this is funnier than any friends episode
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*