[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
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My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.