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Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra