[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
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Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
If snakes were wide
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD