If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
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Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
thanks auntie mary
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?