It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
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Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.