Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
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Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us