“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
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Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Something Saturday.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?