DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
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Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys