If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
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People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
no regrets
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now