“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
You Might Also Like
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
They grow up so quick
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?