[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
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Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips