Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
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Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.