*jingles half the way*
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Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.