[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
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I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
This guy gets it.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.