Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
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Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”