How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
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<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time