Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
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I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.