My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
You Might Also Like
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*