Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
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Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Tony Hawk, age 6
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
#titanic
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes