My circle of trust is a meatball
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[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ