How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
You Might Also Like
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
our love story in four pictures
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Autocorrect completely socks
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?