Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
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omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
#Caturday
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet