Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
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My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Dammit Chief not again
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.