mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
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Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping