[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
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This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters