At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
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*exercises sarcastically*
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes