My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
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I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.