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Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*