When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
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me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING