Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
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I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing