– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
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If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
pizza
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Still my favourite meme.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Bootstraps
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420