Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
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A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.