me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
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Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.