I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
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Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
But that’s none of my business
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.