True?
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I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
This hospital has everything
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
#dnd #ttrpg
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.