I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
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I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
🥶🥶🐶🐶
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.