UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
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Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Passwords are more important than ever.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….