Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
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Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️