AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
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I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.