Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
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How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
I put the mess in domestic.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.