The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
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Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
oppen heimer style lol
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*