ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
You Might Also Like
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?